This is what senior year felt like: Volume I

I’ve been using my personal way-way-back machine (aka: my journals) to do some time travel recently. There’s so much unfinished business back there in those four years of high school, but especially in the gap of my life that I refer to as senior year. The year I made some life changing decisions that set me on a crash course in survival that I almost failed in an epic crash and burn.

I feel like this project is going to be very therapeutic for me. So let’s start at the beginning. This first piece is an introduction to the reintroduction of the worst possible thing to ever happen to me ever. Her name is Heather, and so is this poem.

Also, no names are falsified because I’m embracing my new year’s mantra of “less fucks and more tambourine,” and therefore I have unleashed the rage. Let’s call this one of the first stages of my growing through grieving process.

 

HEATHER

The first time I died,

I read her name in a note,

a note you passed me with a smile

and I thought, “oh, this will be good,”

because

Our clocks had collided

I finally ticked when you tocked

then she exploded,

a time bomb hidden in the spaces

between her name.

I knew her name.

She’d been hidden in my nightmares

where I’d left her before

you. Before you shed light

into the darkness from whence

I had crawled. Away from being broken,

away from a friendship festered.

You, my angel and my shoulder,

brought her, the devil on yours,

and she took my place there.

between the crook of your neck

and the wrap of your arm.

She grew on you; your rose

the thorn in my side,

until you became a stranger,

a cold shoulder to brush past in the halls

as I shrank against the wall

wishing to be one with the brick –

hardened. Built to withstand the storm

You didn’t care that she could be.

Like a personal curse, I carried her

like cancer – a virus in my veins.

As she ate you away, I felt you decay

My fair ginger lover in disarray.

Her spite and my pride,

too much to swallow,

I could follow you anywhere but

that

far

down.

 

 

 

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