is really hard sometimes, yo.
I can’t seem to sit down long enough to type up anything that isn’t instantly sent off to someone to finish something, check something, respond to something, verify something, confirm something…. I have been busier than ever the last few months and I’m wondering if it’s going to catch up with me sooner or later.
I’m thinking it’s catching up with me today, because I am jitterier than ever. That was the first time ever in my life I ever wrote that word or even thought it, I think. Wow. These are the types of things that keep popping into my head, impeding my trains of thought like cows on the tracks.
There are cows EVERYWHERE, y’all. I am barreling down these tracks at 100+ MPH right now and nothing is stopping me.
I have broken down and started a new medication regimen. I finally sought help for the roller coaster and took a chance at being the operator of this ride, instead. So far, it’s been a little bumpy. Some things have improved. Some things have kicked into high drive and I’m off to the races again. I almost miss being depressed at this point, because at least I could slow the fuck down but it makes me feel like a jerk for saying that out loud.
Have you ever drank a pot of coffee? That panic that crept in as you realized that was a TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD idea but you now had zero control to stop it yourself from following through on that ill-conceived plan? That is me, and I am the sole victim of myself at this point. Well, except for the dog, who, as guiltily and graciously as possible threw up very neatly between my front seats of my truck today. I will never get that out.
Sorry, each and every single person who ever rides in my truck again. Yes, that is dog puke, and no, I cannot clean it out. It lives there now, and I must tolerate it. But my point is, the dog is the only other person who has so far been harmed in the making of this terrible idea that was waking up this morning. But he’s okay now.
I went to bed in a panic because I could not stop. I went to bed the night before in a panic because I could not stop. I only stopped because, as sleep works, I inevitably passed out, losing consciousness. Really hoping, mind you, that the panic would go away and not return in the morning. But it does, and I have been AWAKE AWAKE all day. TOO awake. So awake I can barely breathe.
Zigglypuff and I drove around the side roads of the city this morning, filling our food pantry boxes with treats FGL and I made over Thanksgiving. (www.backtothebaymi.org) That’s why he threw up. I am a terrible, last-minute turner when I am looking for a street and please forgive me, but I have 18 random stops to make in mostly high-traffic areas. Sudden stops are gonna happen. Maybe I should get a bumper sticker, or like, one of those little bubble lights like the mail carriers have. And I should definitely not bring Ziggity do dah with me when I patrol the pantries again. Oops.
My house is super clean. Except the dishes, which, strangely enough, I do not feel compelled to do. I realize that I made those dishes dirty, but I have some unspoken refusal set deep in my heart to do the dishes. I have always made it very clear to those who love me and live with me, that I do not do the dishes, because I am most likely the one to dirty them up serving things to other people. I will be your chef, your hostess, your waitress and busser, but I will not be your dishwasher.
Well, that was pointless and didn’t tell you anything about why I’ve been so damn busy. This is the kind of cow I’m talking about, people.
My community restoration movement is moving. Back to the Bay is now a legitimate legal non-profit organization and I am President of something awesome and inspiring and most of all, REAL and HAPPENING. Like, as of this moment, pantries are being stocked, being used, people are getting food for their families at their own pace and time, people are being respected and cared for without judgment and without question. People are paying it forward and giving what they can. I am so blessed to be in this beautiful city of people who care about other people. This is the place I remember.
Work has been insane, to say the least. I am grateful for the time, grateful for the excellent feedback, grateful for the chance to be able to help so many others who are in the same boat as me. I’m still not sure I’ll ever truly own myself but I’m trying and we’re doing okay right now. That’s all I can tell myself.
Even if things are on fire, we’re fine. We have each other.
Maybe I should bake. That would make me feel better. I will have something to show for myself. Or I could sit here and watch the last five episodes of Outlander that I’ve missed, but something tells me that between Outlander and the mix CD I made for FGL yesterday, I’m probably pushing it a bit on my piracy-fueled intake for this month. My cable company is getting a little pissy with me. : /
It is eerily warm outside. It is raining, for which I am grateful, because it is not snow. Except I know when the sun – was there sun out today? I can’t remember – drops low tonight it will freeze. Do I have anything to do tomorrow? Yes. Pick up the children.
The drama that is involved with co-parenting seriously needs to be at a minimum. Mama is tired of the drama when she’s legit not the one making it anymore. I broke up with it! I divorced it! I am thrilled to live this life of the least amount of drama possible. So why is my head calling out people I haven’t spoken to in years? Why is my head putting my own self on blast for mistakes I made, even minimally? I think I’ll die with the words, “I forgot their side of Ranch!” on my lips.
These kinds of cows, people. Gawdamn cows all over my tracks. The slithering under my skin is still there, but it’s slowing down. It’s a gravelly grinding right now. Just under the surface. I remember what it felt like to jump out of my seat in Biology 201 (Sorry, Dr. Z) and run with my books pressed to my chest, “I can’t take it anymore!” I think everyone was as AWAKE as I was at that point, having nearly been lulled to sleep by David Attenborough’s gentle voice telling us about Planet Earth.
I remember quite vividly because I want to. I want to jump out of my skin and brush it away. I want to shake it out and try it back on. The problem is, I can feel it separating from my muscles right now and it hurts. Every surface is raw and tingling and the coolest breeze feels like the lick of a flame. I don’t think this is a good choice of medication for me.
I think I’ll try to eat. And then I’ll try to sleep. And see if I can try waking up again. Have you tried unplugging it, and plugging it back in?